The last time I wrote a blog, life was very different.
In 2009, my husband and I were struggling with the decision of whether or not to have a baby. Although I didn't know it at the time, research for the blog helped me sort through the confusion and chaos inside my head and my body, and the entire experience of blog writing was nothing short of an ablution for my soul.
In the short version, the marriage ultimately ended amicably one month before I was diagnosed with breast cancer in March, 2010. Breast cancer treatment took up the rest of 2010 and eventually removed any possibility of me having children.
In some marvellous stroke of genius by the universe however, surviving cancer provided a level of perspective that has made all of the loss and change over the past three years, okay. It's all okay.
At times, I have found great pleasure, peace and calm in the smallest and seemingly most insignificant of things. Colours have seemed brighter. The smell of Summer in the air, or the feel of rain drops on my face have brought such happiness and satisfaction to my day. The desire for the things I don't have has faded and in its place I feel more happiness than I have since I was a little girl.
Throughout treatment, I held my 40th birthday as a very significant milestone. I figured that if I made it to 40, I would most likely be well with hair that would help me somewhat resemble my old self. Turning 40 would be not only a birthday milestone, but it would be a celebration of life. The life I had already lived, as well as the future I still had in front of me.
Allowing myself to look forward more than a day at a time has been a real challenge, especially once treatment ended. I continue to struggle with maintaining a balance and not take on too much, trying to live an entire lifetime in a shorter period, because there is no guarantee that I will have as many years left as I would once have thought.
My bucket list is overflowing and time is of the essence. Writing is on the top of the list and I am in the process of writing my first book. But I want to write in different ways and here I am, back blogging. I am very into lists of things you must do before you die, so I have included my own What to Check Out Before You Check Out. See the right hand margin of the blog - I'd love to hear everyone's suggestions, so please feel free to comment.
Predominantly though, through this blog I hope to work my way through my ever growing bucket list, as well as make myself accountable - to not allow myself to lose the precious perspective I have gained - and to live my life, one moment at a time.
- I started this blog as I entered my 40th year, and now firmly in my 40s, I continue to learn so much about life. I'm learning that life rarely goes according to plan and that there's something new to learn every single day, be it a subtle nudge or a smack in the face.... This is my blog about muddling through my 40s-working hard, writing a book, being an ammateur photographer, trying to exercise and eat well, endeavouring to be the world's best aunt, as well as having fun and laughing out loud every single day.